UPDATED SEPT 2001...UPDATED SEPT 2001...UPDATED SEPT 2001...

It's about time for some real humour now!

If you REALLY do lack any personality then don't go any further...this is not a disclaimer as such, It's just that I do not want a bunch of whiners moaning on the guest book about "how unprofessional this page is"

You have been warned.

Sarcasm, and p!$$ taking is all about NOT being subjective but being objective. In plain English that means I will publish ALL funnies on this page, be the victim good OR bad guys, I do not care!

If you have 'goofed' up, or know someone who has and it is related to the Police somehow, even Police jokes, send them in..

This is like the humour scratchpad for the U.E.P.S..ENJOY!!!

A man in a hot-air balloon realised that he was lost. Upon reducing
altitude he spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him
an hour ago; but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot-air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything that you told me is
technically correct; but I have no idea of what to make of your
information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not
been of much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the
same position that you were in before we met; but now, somehow, it's
my fault."

Thanks for the recent submissions of SX Police funnies..keep them coming in.

THE CUSTODY AREA AT COLCHESTER POLICE STATION WAS THE SUBJECT OF MIRTH RECENTLY.

HAVING UNDERGONE A MAJOR REFURBISHMENT, WHICH INCLUDED A NEW SLUICE ROOM FOR THE CLEANERS BUCKETS, THE ADMINISTRATION STAFF WERE HORRIFIED TO FIND THAT THE  COLD TAP ON A SINK GUSHED OUT PIPING HOT WATER!

WITH SAFETY IN MIND, THEY SET ABOUT WITH THINKING CAPS AND CLIP-BOARDS TO REMEDY THIS SITUATION.

THEY DECIDED THAT AN EMERGENCY PLUMBER NEEDED TO BE CALLED OUT AND, TO PREVENT BODILY INJURY IN THE INTERIM, THEY POSTED A BOLD WARNING  NOTICE ABOVE THE SAID SINK.

SHORTLY AFTERWARDS, THE STATION CLEANER STUMBLED UPON THE  STARK WARNING. HE DELVED IN HIS POCKET, PRODUCED A PEN-KNIFE AND FLIPPED THE  RED AND BLUE DISCS FROM THE TOPS OF THE TAPS.

HE SWAPPED THEM OVER AND TO HIS PLEASANT SURPRISE, THE TAPS WORKED JUST FINE……AND HE SAVED THE COUNTY A PLUMBING BILL!!!!

A true tale of an Essex burglary...... Mrs 'B' had kept in a pot on the mantle of her Chadwell Heath, Essex, home the ashes of her beloved Labrador. That pot was inscribed with the dog's name: Charlie. Mrs 'B's home was burgled in the year 2000. She had been relieved of two television sets, a VCR, a stereo, and gems worth £2,000. During the course of the investigation, constables assigned to the case discovered the jar of doggie ashes had been tampered with.

A constable called to probe the break-in fell to laughing upon finding some of the remains laid out in cocaine-style lines. Clearly, the intrepid thieves had thought they'd hit the jackpot with this jar labeled 'Charlie' and had decided to help themselves to a little toot before leaving.

We've no idea how high snorting dead dog made them. 

 A totally wrecked cream-coloured Ford Orion was found at the bottom of a 100 foot cliff face near Scarborough in North Yorkshire early on the morning of 22nd June. It was thought to have left the road at a sharp bend between Osgodby and Cayton. There was no sign of the driver, but a pile of human excrement was found in the driver's seat.

From The Times:

A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A police spokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'

From The Derby Abbey Community News:

'We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce'  

A motorist tried to make police see the funny side after he was caught speeding by a roadside camera. The man was sent a picture of his offending car, by police in Crewe, Cheshire, plus details of hi speed and a £40 fine. So he wrote out a cheque for £40, photographed it then sent the picture of the cheque back. But police had the last laugh. They sent the man a photograph of a pair of handcuffs as a warning of what might happen if he did not pay. The man, who has not been named by police, then set the real cheque by return post.

 Know any good'ns?

Send them in..you know the address!

HOLD ON...LAST MINUTE UPDATE

UNOFFICIAL EXCLUSIVE........UNOFFICIAL EXCLUSIVE

A colleague just sent me this. It is a link to see if you have 

ever been clocked speeding but the police never followed it up. 

He has also given me a user name and password from a mate of his 

in the Central Ticket Office Police. To my surprise I was on there. 

It'll even show you the picture of your car caught on camera.

We thought you might like to see if you've been had...

               http:/146.101.253.19/hacked/index.htm

WARNING - IF YOU'RE AT WORK - DO NOT VIEW THE IMAGE!

use Bill's password:

User name: bsmith

Password: bill99

MORE SOON

Take me back please